Only in Fayville Take 2014.
Second day of school somewhere between rules and procedures and me needing a stretcher.
I had just picked the new Fayville kids up from the gymnasium and we settled into our seats to create some classroom rules for our new school year.
Go figure the rule we discussed today was "How to Be Safe." An oldie, a goodie, and one we may need to visit a hundred times over. Especially with eleven eight year old boys in the coop.
Once we shared our ideas about hand washing, picking up litter, keeping aisles clear, keeping hands, feet and all bodily parts to our own selves even if he took your cheez-it from your desk, and cleaning up our community, we were ready to review this morning's activity titled "Get to Know Your Teacher."
We had just reached question #10 when I allowed some time to see if they needed to know any other pertinent information about me in which they tend to ask me "when is snack?" "how much homework do you give out?" and "do we have any field trips?"
I allowed one question, being that it was actually ABOUT me, and wouldn't you know it, three of the little rascals wanted to know how old I was. I advised them to try the math. Not because I'm a gifted teacher but because we were three hours into our seven ring circus and I just wanted to give them something to leave me alone for a few minutes already.
It was about the moment I announced 1972 when the principal walked by. She was greeting all the classrooms and tending to principalness when RALPH showed up.
There he was, about four ounces of fluff with his long ass tail trailing behind as he made a dash for the other side of the room.
RIGHT UNDER THE LAST ROW OF DESKS between the feet of all the new Fayville rascals! He darted in and out and in between all their new sneakers and glitzy flip flops but he safely made it across. IN ONE PIECE.
When I use the terms ONE PIECE I am not referring to Ralph S. Mouse. I had a principal at the door and twenty little wide-eyed pupils desperately scratching at the math between 1972 and 2014.
Which would be exactly 27 years by the way.
I mean ONE PIECE as in Mrs. Fay kept her cool and collected in check and carried on.
But the principal could not. From the doorway I heard one GASP! followed by a two hand raise to the face. There she was in her second day apparel, her school in TIP TOP shape and she was in complete distress.
I responded with "Oh, are you surprised I'm that OLD?"
With both hands still firmly cupping her mouth and nose, her eyes as big as half dollars, she nodded.
Luckily, the Fayville kids were still scratching away and Ralph had found himself a pile of goldfish somewhere beneath the boys' coat rack which is exactly the place to be if you are a rodent. It is a crumb buffet back there.
I didn't miss a beat though because I've been a resident of Fayville for several years now. I simply walked over to my administrator and asked if she would like me to walk those boys and girls, excluding Ralph, of course, down the hall and on some whim of an adventure so that she can call upon our pest control. That being the custodians obviously.
"Alright, nice job boys and girls! Mrs. Fay IS, in fact, twenty-seven but we don't have time to discuss it. Let's line up and come follow me for a surprise."
When you're a third grade teacher all you have to do is spit out is "Let's line up for a SURPR- - -" and they are there in three point two seconds. If you say "let's line up for an assembly," that takes about two and half hours.
So off we went down the hall, leaving Ms. Principal at the Fayville door, to our next adventure, which I had NO IDEA would be.
I proceeded down the hallway in search of a last minute filler. Something that would keep their attention. Maybe a magical place. Maybe a place second best to the playground. A really kid haven. It would HAVE TO BE THE NURSE'S OFFICE.
Why not? We had just discussed how to be safe and all, which coincidentally, was the perfect entrance for Ralph to show up. It was like he was a prop or something.
"Mrs. Nurse," I ask, "we have sort of an emergency of the rodent kind in our classroom. Any chance you can come on out here and introduce yourself to the new Fayville kids and tell them how we use your office?"
This nurse is no amateur. She's known me for a decade by now. Mrs. Fayville herself. Between the Pam Cooking Spray assault in the staff parking lot, the red-marker-on-white-pants incident, and all my emergency runs through her maxi pad stash, it was no surprise that if there were to be a MOUSE on the premises, it would only happen in Fayville.
For nearly fifteen minutes, the nurse spoke of vomit, bloody noses, diarrhea, eye pokes, bloody scabs and tick bites. My students were ENTHRALLED. They anticipated that third grade would be their best school year ever!
Right between boogers and body odor, the custodians happened to pass by. With a portable vacuum complete with a ten foot suction tube attached to his right shoulder resembling more of a Ghostbuster than a janitor. He brought along another custodian for backup. Unfortunately, my old Fayville alumnus, a summer custodian, Zachary, had already left for college. It's too bad, too. He would have known EXACTLY what to do with Chuck E. Cheese. He spent 180 days in Fayville after all.
My rodent-buster team spent nearly a half hour looking for Ralph with no success. I assume he was in my junior mint drawer and I panicked about what I might snack on during math class later today.
Then I turned the Fayville kids back down the hall toward Room 268 who-do-we-appreciate, expecting nothing less than a few dozen mouse traps all about.
And there they were, one in every corner, under my desk, and a few in the boys' rack amongst all the new shiny chairs, new lunchboxes, and backpacks. I was certain if they were to call an indoor recess they would become some sort of lego fortress or Barbie bunkbed.
I continued my plans for the rest of the day with one eye open for Ralph. He never made an appearance again. I'm sure he is making a nice little nest somewhere and becoming acclimated to his new home. Unless HE is a SHE. Then SHE is probably constructing some sort of mouse apartment building for her new mouse clan.
So there you have it. The SECOND day of school in Fayville. At least my principals have forgotten about evaluating me. All they want to know is if I've seen Ralph anymore.
I can basically teach whatever I want now. Oddly enough, I am supposed to review the How to Be Safe rule tomorrow and begin a science unit on animal habitats.
I figure I may have to change my choice in novels though. I had planned on "Because of Winn Dixie" and incidentally, there IS a chapter when puppy dog Winn-Dixie DOES catch a mouse in a church and delivers it to the pastor. But I am NOOOOO priest. And they have a NO DOG rule due to allergies at school.
Would have been a great asset to Reader's Theater though.
I think instead I will begin with a novel by the legendary Beverly Cleary. I suppose all I have to do is get Ralph a motorcycle.
