This is a story that happened 8 years ago. It was the Friday before Memorial Day 2005, and we were closing on our condo and closing on our house the same day. That morning at around 8am, while my wife and I, ever the procrastinators, were packing the last bits of stuff from our condo in the back of our SUV's, we got a call from our real estate agent. "Rob, I just called over to the title service and they have no appointment scheduled to close on your house". Freaking out on the inside, I calmly told him I'd take care of it. Of course, I told my wife and she freaked out. I called the mortgage rep and left a very short and panicked voice mail to the gist of WTF ??
We closed on the condo with no problem (at least SOME people had their shit together).
The mortgage rep finally called me back and apologized for the mistake, but now our 11am appointment to close is now 3pm. No big deal? Wrong. I have a full U-Haul truck sitting in the driveway of the new house and 6 guys ready to help me move in. Now, I have to wait until at least 4pm or later, and my help will be gone. I decided to at least get some stuff in the garage, I got the OK from the previous owner who, technically, STILL is the owner. The only problem with that is I have no keys to the house or garage yet. So I went around back and decided, YES, I MUST BREAK IN TO MY OWN HOUSE. Luckily in 2005 I was about 150 lbs lighter so I managed to get the bathroom window open and crawled in. At least now I can get everything in the truck into the garage. I won't have any help to move in anything to the house nor help to move stuff we stored at my mother's house down the street.
So we get to the closing @3pm. the Mortgage lady is still apologizing up and down and then she proceeds to give us one of those TMI moments. She says she forgot to book the closing time because she hasn't pooped. That's Right. Doesn't poop, can't poop, won't poop. In fact not in 6 months has she pooped. Despite the horror mixed with disgust on our faces she says her mind has been fixated on her albeit impressive poopless streak. ARE YOU F-ING KIDDING ME, THIS WOMAN LITERALLY HAS SHIT FOR BRAINS !! My whole move-in day is F'd up be cause this idiot can't do a simple bodily movement that an 2 minute old infant can do? Are we being punked?
OK, Poop sob story aside, we start signing documents like banshees to save whatever daylight we have left. "One more thing" Ms Broken Sphincter says. "A third party Mortgage company will be underwriting this and your rate I quoted you is now 1.25 points higher" Fantastic, what do I do now? I sold my condo and all my furniture is in the garage of a house I may or may not own. Whatever, just close the F-ing deal !!!!! Now we need to fax all the documents to the 3rd party mortgage company in Foxboro, Ma. And, what do know? A car has crashed into a telephone pole 3 miles for the office in Foxboro. NO F_ING POWER so they can't receive the faxes.
So now we have to wait and hour for the power to come back on. At this point my wife is so enraged I fear she will snap someones neck. I, however, was starring off into space probably drooling, almost comatose. At this point we haven't seen our kids since 8am.
Finally, we finish. It's 6pm and all of my moving helpers have left. I have just enough time to bring the truck back so I don't get charged for another day. But now, we won't be able to get stuff out of my mom's house. Why is that a big deal. BECAUSE, that night my mom steps on my hockey bag and breaks her ankle.
So, before you choose a mortgage agent ask them when was the last time they pooped.
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