Game of Thrones

When you need a new toilet, call on Papa. After all, he's the one with the pickup truck and he sure does know his way around toilets.

So this week we finally invested in a plumber. It's been at least a year without upstairs plumbing and it's no fun sharing a shower with your live in father-in-law. Especially when you forget a towel.

Papa decides to meet you at Home Depot. He's going to let ...you pick his brain, use his 10% Veteran's discount, and the said pickup truck.

2pm you're in the toilet aisle with a Papa and a Panda in tote looking at "thrones."

There's something I need to address here. When you live on a budget, you're not EXACTLY browsing the selection. You're pretty much in the clearance section with a few things in check: your budget and your color choice.

You see, you moved into a house with its original fixtures. From like 1967.

That upstairs bathroom with no plumbing is not white. All fixtures are of the SANDSTONE or BONE or of the BISCUIT hue. Problem is, as you browse both the QUALITY items section and the I-GOT-EXACTLY-TWO-BUCKS-IN-MY-WALLET-TIL-SCHOOL STARTS section, all you see is a SEA of WHITE. 

 

If you were to buy a QUALITY item, you can expect this toilet lasting at least a decade. These toilets flush themselves. They come in every color, some have timers, they have special lids that don't slam down, one even had a nightlight on it, and I believe two were self-cleaning with an automatic candy dispenser. In my special section, you got a bowl that flushes and another bowl that flushes.

Papa doesn't have the same priorities. First thing he asks the Home Depot guy, "any brands you recommend?"

That immediately sent me into PANIC MODE. And had me envious of anyone that has cash and can just buy any old toilet at any old price and massages your ass.

See Papa doesn't understand. When you're a teacher and it's August, you're soup kitchen. You pretty much have a roof over your head but your fridge hosts a lone jar of pickles and three dozen eggs.

Home Depot Guy smiles. CHA-CHING! He's dancing up and down the aisle showing off all his best models and his expertise on shitters, Papa close behind, amazed at all the new gadgets, and there I am calculating how I will stretch my $130 budget to 198 bucks. THEIR CHEAPEST ONE THERE. Unless I wanted the toilet with the cracked seat four inches from the floor.

"Hey Sherry, you should see these! They're really nice and they are elongated!"

I nod my head thinking about what the upstairs bathroom would look like with a Korean toilet. All I'd have to do is remove the broken toilet and dig a hole there. I could even stick a nightlight there if I want to and a kitchen timer. Everything would just go right down the hole and I would never need to wear those neon yellow elbow gloves anymore.

So next thing you know, we're in a heavy debate. The topic? ELONGATED vs. ROUND. In the Sherry section, they are all round. There's no option. But in the "ANY BRAND YOU RECOMMEND?" section, they have all shapes and sizes - even trapezoid if you have a saggy ass.

This is where it gets a bit sticky. See, I'm a female. So is my Panda. Somehow these men were going to convince me to go ELONGATED without exploiting the birds the bees to a middle schooler.

I reply, "I don't care and I don't think my husband would care. Round is fine."

"Sherry, Rob is a big guy. He needs some room. That's what I would get," Papa says.

Sure. If you want to spent $248 and not feed your kids til September 10th.

Home Depot Guy, on his sale-of-the-month, says, "yeah, he'll want all the room he can get. What shape is your toilet anyhow?"

I don't know. Who the hell knows? It's toilet-shaped. It has a round bowl and I clean that flipping thing every week. But I still don't know.

Then I'm thinking, ROOM? He needs room? Don't we all just have a little hole and exactly how much room does a man need? Are you afraid he might miss? Will it be oval-shaped poop? Should we just go with the Korean toilet?

For the next few minutes you're all debating the ELONGATED vs. ROUND topic and men needing more room until they insist I call the husband and ask him. As if the little wifey can't take care of deciding on what geometric shape she wants to pee in.

I even bet those two men, even my own father, that my husband will not CARE the least bit what shape the toilet seat is as long as it's under 150 bucks. I even told them as a last resort, "look, I have lived with this man for 17 years of marriage. I have never seen him actually sit on the upstairs toilet. He does all his business on the first level." There are more magazines down there.

Panda was just about the shade of a tomato plant. I reassure her that Mommy needs to save a little money and she should know that Daddy only pees upstairs. She left for Korea by the time Daddy answered the phone.

I'm there on the phone, reassuring my husband that he doesn't need that much room (and it would save us 100 bucks) and he agrees. Meanwhile, Papa and his new BFF are shaking their heads in disbelief. Little did I know that this suggestion was not because of needing room for your waste. The "room" they were referring to was room for all their parts to fit.

Are you serious, MEN? Have you not seen my bicycle? I can't get off of that thing without a near colonoscopy. Appliances certainly aren't made to fit our womanly body parts.

The phone call resulted in the husband sending us a picture of our toilet bowl via TEXT. This was not my finest moment. Sitting there, in the Home Depot aisle, customers all about, men with their oval parts, my dad with his "any brands you recommend?" attitude, the Home Depot Guy with the gleam in his eye, and my empty wallet all looking at our toilet bowl on my Iphone.

 AMEN! That toilet was as round as a basketball! So long 248 bucks! Hello Economy Toilet for 198 and tonight we're eating spaghetti with actual ground beef!

For the next half hour a whole new debate goes on. Do we go white or do we go BISCUIT? Do I want my toilet to match the vanity, the tub, the wall tiles, the floor tiles and the window OR do I want that sparkly white toilet that is WAY more pressure to clean and I will wait 20,000 years to replace that vanity, that tub, those tiles, and the window to match that gleaming white?

DONE. We go with the ECONOMY toilet for 198 bucks in BISCUIT with a ROUND toilet seat. It doesn't come with a playlist or a remote control flusher, but it'll do. And it will. Especially when I have to pee at 2 in the morning.

We finally get up to the cashier and Papa's got his discount card out and the Home Depot lady convinces him to sign up for a Home Depot card and save 50 bucks on the order. Papa approves and I'm just about to cry. I was expecting a NINETEEN dollar and ninety-eight sense discount and here he is getting me a toilet for $148! Right in our budget range!

And just think! Tomorrow the plumber will arrive and I'll be able to brush my teeth under REAL running water and forget my towel whenever I want to. I think Panda even applauded. But she was already on the plane heading east.

But wait. Wait for it...

When we reach Papa's truck, I ask him for the receipt. He used his debit card so we could get his discount and I was prepared to pay him today. I'd need to zip to the drive-thru ATM and pay up. Next thing I know, Papa, who has poured his heart, time, and sweat into fixing our home and saved us from every emergency, says,

"No, this one's on me. I don't want your money," he said. And then in his Cliffy tone, that I'M-YOUR-FATHER-AND-YOU'LL-DO-AS-I-SAY tone says, "and don't you go getting me any or I'll be upset." No hug. No kiss. Just that stern look that makes you get in that car and do as he says.

We rode him in separate cars and helped one another carry our new Fayville throne inside. I did my best to compose myself. I fought every tear and just felt nothing but gratitude and how lucky I am to have all the blessings in my life. Especially my new toilet seat. No matter what shape it is.

And Papa DID get his kiss.